Thanksgiving Memory

Missing the warmth of Thanksgivings passed, I close my eyes;

See my grandmother at the stove making the best gravy ever,

Smell the rich aromas filling the house – roast turkey & bread & stuffing & more,

Feel the shiny smooth finish and weight of the “good” silverware as I help set the table so I can

Steal small handfuls of black olives, garlic pickles and baby corn when no one’s looking,

Gathering at the table in anticipation we all know what the prayer will be,

 I bow my head and squeezing my eyes shut tightly repeating my father’s words silently in my mind as we hold hands around the table;

“Thank you God, for all the blessings our family and friends enjoy and for those you have given to others.”

Hearing my twin brother laugh I open my eyes as he takes “dibs” on one of the turkey legs,

I pass on the cranberries in favor crisp marshmallows and caramel syrup covering the sweet potatoes,

Relishing the chance to have more than a taste of my Uncle’s dark red homemade wine I clean my plate,

Great memories to be thankful for…

Yes, thank you God for all the blessings I and my friends have enjoyed, and for those you have given to others.

November stinks! In my opinion...

          I had this gloriously written bunch of verbiage all set to be placed in this spot. Here and there were adjectives of insurmountable  - oops there one slipped in when I wasn't paying attention. All I really wanted to say is this was a crappy week for me. And next week will be as well... November of every year for more than the last few has not been the time for celebration of family and friendship and all that gooey feel good stuff for me. November stinks! In my opinion...
          Veterans Day - an awesome day - one that I truly enjoy and participate in every year. No one on this planet deserves more recognition than those who have or who are serving our nation in the armed forces. With the protection of our liberty and freedom solidly in their hands we have survived for decades, and God willing will for many more. I relish in the fact that I am a member of that select group of American service men and women. Yet amongst the glory are scattered the stories and horrors of those who gave all that they had, as well as the bitter taste left from the way I and my buddies were treated when we returned from the Viet Nam war. 40+ years have not dissipated the agony and emotions of war.
          Anniversary of JFK's assassination - hardly a celebratory day. A memorial to a man who led this country through a cataclysm of internal political and social issues while staving off the likelihood of world wide nuclear war. A man who did not quake at the massiveness of any job ahead of him nor from the calculated rhetoric and actions of our cold war enemies or his political foes. A hero of mine whose life was ended all too abruptly, altering greatly the future of America and the world.
          Anniversary of my fathers death. I'm not going to elaborate much on this one. Suffice it to say that my Dad and I were the best of friends in the later years of his life. To this day I wish that I had listened to his words during the first 40 years of my life as well as I did the last 10 years of his. I learned enough in the beginning to serve me well and make him proud. He was a man educated in the "school of hard knocks", a man who worked with his hands as well as his mind from the time he was 15 years old. A man who cherished greatly what he had earned through his sacrifices. Stoic and gruff and hard fisted as he was on the outside there was an inner being that I don't believe he shared with many - not even my mother. I was lucky enough to be part of that. He fought his cancer with all that he had, with that same work ethic that had served him so well before. And he won for the longest time. Another hero of mine whose life came to an end all too soon.
          Thanksgiving - another splendid celebration. Certainly we ALL need to step back and at least take part of a day to survey what we have, where we are and who we are and then give thanks. Unfortunately it's a bit difficult to get into when you live alone. In the last few years this holiday has taken on a deeper meaning for me - even beyond Christmas. It doesn't really matter whether I have PBnJ on toast or a pork roast or turkey bacon n eggs for dinner on Thursday. What matters is that I am here to make that choice and it's not so much about what I have received over the last year but what I have given. I am most grateful and blessed to be able to have shared whatever I have had with those who were in need. From things as simple as a smile, to a phone call or email, to contributing to lessening the cost of putting a household back together. It was all about family a few years back and now it's all about me? No I think not... Still I'd love to smell Grandma's gravy bubbling away on the stove as it mixes with the aroma of "all the fixins" and the freshly sliced turkey again. I'd love to hold hands around the table an hear Dad repeat the same words - "Thank God for all the blessings that our family and friends enjoy. And for those you have given to others." I will try again to be most thankful for those things I have been able to share with others.
          That about sums it up for me... ha - best thing about November? Movember! I don't have to shave for a whole month!!!! And I haven't!

       

What's a blog? Something to do between wash cycles...

Ha, no more dull dark background... pretty spiffy.. Maybe I'll come back more often?!?LOL
Sunday morning sunshine out the front window - what happened to the hurricane winds and swirling snow flakes that had everybody so traumatized for poor Peyton this evening? Of course, turn your head around here and the weather WILL change. Hmm that's enuf about football.

Soooooo what next?!? What is a blog supposed to be - err more important what's "MY" blog supposed to be? The older posts were literary delights to stimulate the senses, emotional expressions to twist the heart strings or dramatic descriptions of life changing events that I happened to put down on paper - err screen err monitor. Not necessarily to share or broadcast across the electron highway - more often than not what would have been a few scribbles on coffee - err whiskey stained scraps of paper kept hidden away and viewed occasionally for my own edification. An I would expect that will continue to be the case.

But shouldn't this be more? Maybe I should post a weekly summary of - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Maybe share a recipe or two - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Maybe champion a political candidate or cause - nah that's what folks do on Facebook. Ha... I know...I'll express my 2 - errr cents worth of... hmmm Wheres the damn cent sign? It should be out here on my keyboard not relegated to some innocuous hidden table, buried with the all those scientific symbols that no one really knows what they mean and don't use - kinda like that stuff you learned in high school physics. Hmmm the poor penny sign has lost it's significance - I guess nobody was using it on Facebook.

Oh crap, the washing machine is hungry - gotta go feed it a couple more socks n some change...

Later....

Take from me

I have not offered up words here in a long time and I do now with some reluctance. There was a time when baring my inside to be viewed, read, and contemplated by others seemed to serve a purpose, a need. And then it suddenly became more reasonable to hide, to keep the thoughts, the emotions, the dramatic adjectives hidden from all, including me. If it was not recorded in print or voice or image I could deny its existence, be they good or evil. Step away and renounce that anything was wrong, that nothing was beyond my ability to cope. I am not alone in this; many survive from day to day disavowing any hint of failure or disappointment regarding their choices and actions.

In the past I have described the subtle feelings surrounding me, from the brilliant star shine thrown into the darkened night sky to the anger I affixed to nature and her torment, as well as the comfort and contentment I shared with her. Those words have been hard to link together in recent weeks, difficult for me to see the joy or passion or insight others might find amongst them.

Take from me what you will, but balance it with your own reality. I caution those who would take my word strings, as unassuming as they may be in my mind and turn them into aspirations or desires of their own. Certainly simply opening your mind and body to the sounds, the images, the total awareness around you as you step out into the winter night, sit wrapped in the cloak of darkness amongst the objects in the room or watch the dust dance through the sun’s rays are not so significant. But when I write of the terrors and demons that approach me from untold hiding places do not make them your own. Do not follow my footsteps right upon left, they may lead you astray. Years of life and experience do not necessarily translate to wisdom.

The words that I might share in the future may startle those that think they know me or they may fall into the descriptive chains that I’ve been known for in the past. Makes no difference, the words will be mine, the feelings will be mine, the interpretation of them is left to you. See them, understand them as you will…

Had enough…

Had enough,

Enough of the false sun and its imitation warmth,

Enough of the frigid breezes reaching to the bone,

Enough of the failing energy and aches and pains,

Enough of the nightmare nights and empty days,

Enough of clinging to small victories trying to evade the collapse,

Enough of building the façade in the morning to let it crumble each night,

Enough of sugar coated smiles and “hi how are you”s,

Enough of the ever expanding list of things never to be done,

Enough of falling further and further from the light,

Enough of knowing better yet indulging in the status quo,

Enough of filling the trash can with empties and butts and pizza boxes,

Had enough…

Depression is a terrible monster to have to fight, sapping your physical and mental strength while weighing heavily on your emotions. Some of us do so well at covering the damage, sealing the demon inside, showing no one. Expending what energy we have to make others believe we are what we are not. Struggling mightily to accomplish the world’s expectations while leaving less and less to help slay the dragon inside. Simple things become your Everest, your rock to push up the hill only to find another much larger and steeper on the other side. There is no place to rest, no turn to make, truly caught between the rock and a hard place.